The world is in disarray, the stars are wandering, and your life is in shambles on a good day. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.
Aries (March 21- April 20): The jury will dismiss your public intoxication charges after discovering that you puked in that movie theater thanks to one of the trippier sequences in Doctor Strange. Even the prosecutor will side with you after asking if you understood “that whole multiverse thing.”
Taurus (April 21- May 20): Your tongue-in-cheek campaign to “Make Thanksgiving Great Again” will succeed when you are unceremoniously thrown out of your family dinner, leaving you free to catch up on Black Mirror.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Your plans to have a quiet election night drink away from the news will be ruined when your neighbors mistake it for a “Results Rager.”
Cancer (June 21- July 20): While skipping the Black Friday crowds, you will get into a fight over a vintage bottle of The Bruery’s Black Tuesday at your local bottle shop. You will miss the irony and never see that right hook.
Leo (July 21- August 20): An oddly warm day will inspire you to enjoy a well-stashed can of your favorite summer ale by your window, free of the world’s cares until you rudely remember global warming.
Virgo (August 21- September 20): Dave Chappelle’s hosting gig on SNL will inspire such powerful nostalgia that you’ll open the oldest bottle in your cellar to celebrate. Your ex will not be amused.
Libra (September 21- October 20): The Moon enters Pisces this month, bringing an uncontrollable urge for fish ‘n chips and ESBs. Remember not to attempt your terrible accent, dear Libra.
Scorpio (October 21- November 20): Your birthday party will quickly devolve into political-inflected, heavily slurred fighting. Didn’t even have to look at the stars for that one, really.
Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): The stars will align perfectly to ensure smooth travels home in time to go to your hometown bar on Thanksgiving Eve, only to abandon you when your ex traps you in the corner to demand answers.
Capricorn (December 21- January 20): The stars say that you’re completely screwed for the month. Avoid long lines, eyeglasses, and key ring bottle openers.
Aquarius (January 21- February 20): Mercury’s lack of retrograde will manifest in your local bar’s jukebox suddenly skewing heavily towards 70′s arena rock. Your Movember mustache will be sleek and seductive.
Pisces (February 21- March 20): The heavens will validate your life direction when your idiot ex will start calling you again, then attempt to mumble apologies at you the entire night before Thanksgiving.