The world is in disarray, the stars are wandering, and your life is in shambles on a good day. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.
Aries (March 21- April 20): Your frustration over all the rookies at your gym will fade into relief when it appears they all came from your local bar. The good seat on the corner will be yours until everyone’s resolutions fail in early February.
Taurus (April 21- May 20): As the wheels of fortune turn, so too must some of us suffer, and you’re in for a real doozy of a month. Avoid scratch-off lottery tickets, twofer happy hours, and small home appliances.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Ambitious plans to take a ski trip over Martin Luther King, Jr. weekend will devolve into three straight days on the couch, drinking beer and watching Disney movies. You will remember it fondly for months, and occasionally bring it up for years to come.
Cancer (June 21- July 20): You will experience the unluckiness of Jupiter’s Paradox: upon discovering a new cocktail you truly love, you will drink so many that you forget the name forever.
Leo (July 21- August 20): Everyone at your friend’s housewarming party will know you’re just cleaning the fridge if you bring champagne. Bring cheese, and save the champagne to drink alone during the Golden Globes.
Virgo (August 21- September 20): The stars will smile on the day you finally join the gym, and you will happily find a routine you can stick to. This routine will cease when Mercury enters retrograde in three days’ time.
Libra (September 21- October 20): You will narrowly escape a hippogriff attack by waking up and realizing you fell asleep on the couch watching yet another post-bar Harry Potter marathon.
Scorpio (October 21- November 20): While you certainly lose points for your lack of creativity, your resolution to “drink more” is doomed to succeed.
Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): The astrological seas are calm for you, and the month ahead is a fortunate one. Relax, renew, and brace yourself for an absolutely monstrous February.
Capricorn (December 21- January 20): The fates have determined that your “dry January” resolution will fail again this year. This is really your fault, but you can blame the fates instead.
Aquarius (January 21- February 20): Karaoke night will be your shining moment when you totally nail the intro to “Don’t Stop Believin’.” The moment will be eclipsed when you accidentally slide tackle a waiter carrying a full tray of drinks during your big air guitar solo.
Pisces (February 21- March 20): Your ambiguous “more tiki drinks” resolution will lead to disaster when you nearly lose a finger trying to carve a pineapple shell into an Easter Island head. Save time, money, and embarrassment by splurging on a couple Hawaiian shirts and a box of teeny umbrellas instead.