Just when you thought things were steady, the stars stirred the pot and set your reality a-tumbling. You’re going to need some help. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.
Aries (March 21- April 20): What started as a simple snow day liquor store run will escalate to viral status when a local news team broadcasts footage of you smashing your entire haul by slipping on black ice.
Taurus (April 21- May 20): By some miracle, the fates smile upon you this month. Enjoy the clear path while it lasts.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): You will awaken on the morning of March 18 to discover that you are, in fact, a leprechaun. Good luck on the new job!
Cancer (June 21- July 20): As you party on St. Patrick’s Day, ask yourself: is this beer supposed to be green, or are you drinking sanitizer again?
Leo (July 21- August 20): The stars are touched by your attempt to urge the change of seasons, but are too amused by the sight of you shivering in shorts to bother with starting spring.
Virgo (August 21- September 20): You will awaken on the morning of March 18 to discover that your spouse did, in fact, drink enough green beer to believe they are a leprechaun. Good luck talking them down.
Libra (September 21- October 20): Save time on your experiments: dumping in a stout will help your corned beef, but ruin your mashed potatoes. If you really can’t keep the beer in your glass, someone else should be cooking.
Scorpio (October 21- November 20): A sudden impulse will guide you to a hidden bottle of that beer you’ve been looking for on your supermarket’s shelves; buy it. That impulse will also demand you drink it on the spot; pay first.
Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): You will win a debate over the proper use of the idiom, “there’s more than one way to skin a cat.” It will not be enough to stop you from breaking a molar on a bottle cap instead of using the proffered churchkey.
Capricorn (December 21- January 20): You will awaken on the morning of March 18 to discover that you did, in fact, knock an entire bottle of an ancient potion into your friend’s beer the night before and turn them into a leprechaun. Good luck explaining this.
Aquarius (January 21- February 20): Whatever fun you had in February better last you for a while, because March is coming for you like a lion. Avoid happy hours, new shoelaces, and cats of all sizes.