Summer has returned, and it seems like all sense of celestial balance has gone on vacation. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.
Aries (March 21- April 20): Whomever said “it’s never too late to go on a vacation” never got stuck in after-work bridge traffic on a Friday. Leave early, or spend your money on beer and stay in.
Taurus (April 21- May 20): Mercury’s transit will finally unlock the brief time when people to actually enjoy hearing “Summer Lovin’” at karaoke. You will miss your shot thanks to an ill-timed bathroom break.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): The stars are shining on you this month, and the weeks ahead hold great fortune. Live it up, but think about cancelling your Fourth of July plans.
Cancer (June 21- July 20): A beachside brunch will take an unexpected turn when you have to battle a flock of hungry seagulls for the bacon garnish on your Bloody Mary. You will lose the fight, the bacon, and a portion of your index finger, but win widespread Internet fame.
Leo (July 21- August 20): Being the person who can hold two beers in one hand to take a few pictures at an outdoor concert is cool. Being the person live-streaming the entire concert is not.
Virgo (August 21- September 20): The stars seem enraged by your very existence, and the month ahead looks harsh. Avoid waffle cones, boxed wine, and Birkenstocks.
Libra (September 21- October 20): Bringing a extra koozie to a barbecue is a great way to start a conversation with someone new. Choose wisely, and summer love could be in your future.
Scorpio (October 21- November 20): Nap carefully, amorous Scorpio; a sunkissed glow can give you a pleasant confidence boost before a first date, but a blistering sunburn will not.
Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): Your chance to talk to your springtime crush will shatter when they offer their spare koozie to someone else at a barbecue. Drippy fingers and a bruised heart will pass, but remembering your own koozie will last forever.
Capricorn (December 21- January 20): Your attempt to purchase a “firecracker” at the beach goes awry when you receive a citation for attempting to purchase fireworks instead of a suspicious-yet-delicious boozy summer drink.
Aquarius (January 21- February 20): Remember the old mariner’s adage as you plan your beach trips: “Red sky at night, sailors delight; Rosé wines at morning, sailors take warning.”
Pisces (February 21- March 20): A mysterious stranger will give you a koozie at a barbecue. You might as well keep it.