In these chaotic times the future is hidden to all but our resident and totally legit medium. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus and mysterious minions read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.
Aries (March 21- April 20): Your latest passion project will end in disappointment when your friends tell you that no one wants to see a Chumbawumba jukebox musical.
Taurus (April 21- May 20): The celestial spheres will favor you this month when your roommate finally does the dishes. Celebrate this momentous occasion with a beer in a clean glass.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): You’ll find yourself to be the life of the party at your niece’s bat mitzvah. You have a great time, but Rebecca will never forgive you for stealing the spotlight on her special day.
Cancer (June 21- July 20): Peril lies ahead, but if extra precaution is taken disaster might be avoided. The stars suggest keeping plenty of bubblewrap handy.
Leo (July 21- August 20): Fortune smiles upon your professional life this month. You’ll finally get that big promotion and that jerk Jerry will finally be let go for quoting Borat too much.
Virgo (August 21- September 20): At a backyard cookout you’ll find a hair in the burger your friend made for you. Things take a darker turn when you remember your friend is bald.
Libra (September 21- October 20): This will be the month you’ll discover your true love. Unfortunately it’s Joan of Arc and she died centuries ago, so you end up downloading Tinder. Again.
Scorpio (October 21- November 20): Due to the realignment of Saturn’s moons you’ll find it particularly difficult to hold in elevator farts this month. Your popularity in the office will dip accordingly.
Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): You’ll meet a charismatic old timey travelling salesman at a bar this month. The conversation will go great until you learn he only sells fidget spinners.
Capricorn (December 21- January 20): Whatever you did to piss off the stars definitely worked. In the coming difficult month avoid rompers, duck sauce, and Chumbawumba.
Aquarius (January 21- February 20): An old friend that you haven’t seen in a long time will surprise you with a visit. Share a beer with them and try not seem too jealous of how much better they’re doing than you.
Pisces (February 21- March 20): As Mars nears its apex beware of killer bees. Send a thank you note to the Wu-Tang Clan.