During times like these the future can seem to be an inscrutable fog. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.
Aries (March 21- April 20): A classic mix up between bottles at the beach will result in a persistent and disgusting taste in your mouth, but now your tongue is safe from the sun.
Taurus (April 21- May 20): Remember, dear Taurus: you are right in your assertion that dark beers are just as good in the summer months, but no one wants to hear your speech again. Put a koozie on it.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Beer can chicken is a juicy, delicious treat on the grill. Spilling your beer on grilled chicken is a good way to get kicked out of your friend’s barbecue.
Cancer (June 21- July 20): The fates have aligned, and they are fully against you. Avoid sewing machines, confetti, and plastic pitchers.
Leo (July 21- August 20): Your ingenious idea of combining a blockbuster movie marathon and a growler share is doomed by a simple logistical issue: bathroom access.
Virgo (August 21- September 20): If reading the news makes you feel like you need a beer, do something to help the world first. Beer is better when you earn it.
Libra (September 21- October 20): The rising flush of excitement you feel during your first date at a rooftop bar will turn out to be the start of a particularly vibrant sunburn. Stock up on protective sunwear and try again.
Scorpio (October 21- November 20): If traffic lessens during your commute now that school is out, you live in a good area. If your bar is more crowded now that school is out, you’re drunk at a summer camp again.
Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): A tip for packing your beach cooler: no one has ever had to fight off a screaming horde of seagulls due to a can of beer. Choose wisely.
Capricorn (December 21- January 20): However you managed it, the stars are smiling upon you this month. Revel in the energy, but be wary come July.
Aquarius (January 21- February 20): A promising new relationship will go south when your potential partner shows up to the cocktail lounge for your second date in an umbrella hat.
Pisces (February 21- March 20): When you throw your back out during a Queer Eye-induced home cleaning spree, ask yourself: would Karamo let you stay down, or would he want you to get back up? Get up, stretch out, and hire someone to help.