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During times like these the future can seem to be an inscrutable fog. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus and his mystical minions read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.
Aries (March 21- April 20): Choose your theater beer wisely for blockbuster season, dear Aries. A light pale ale buzz can be fun during Rampage, but don’t disappoint Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson with your barleywine tears.
Taurus (April 21- May 20): Somewhere in the midst of a running bodyslam, you will realize you mixed up your tickets for the Met Gala with tickets for WWE Backlash. You will still enjoy the outfits.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): As the heavens move into Spring’s alignment and the Earth blooms, remember this ancient wisdom: put down your beer before you sneeze.
Cancer (June 21- July 20): Your long-awaited Memorial Day Weekend barbecue will go awry when everyone who promised to bring beer shows up with paper plates instead. Plan ahead and tuck some beer away for a dramatic reveal.
Leo (July 21- August 20): April showers bring May flowers, and May flowers bring a parade of proposals to your Facebook feed. Prepare a list of safe conversation topics for calling your parents– they’re on Facebook too, and they have questions about you.
Virgo (August 21- September 20): The stars have aligned to malign you this month. Tread with caution and avoid weisse glasses, flower crowns, and balloons.
Libra (September 21- October 20): Your lame friend’s beer-less barbecue will take an interesting turn when you discover a hidden stash of beer in their bathtub. You might as well drink it, since no one brought ice.
Scorpio (October 21- November 20): A chance encounter with a former lover at a baseball game brings about an interesting reaction. Unfortunately, that reaction is only between the several beers and stadium hot dogs swirling in your stomach.
Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): You will remember most of the keys to having fun at the trendy waterfront bar: know the bartender’s name, order clearly, and tip with a smile. Your will forget the most important one: sunscreen.
Capricorn (December 21- January 20): Despite the fact that your friend’s barbecue has too many plates and no beer, your significant other will suddenly lurch out of the bathroom in a surprisingly drunken state. Use this as an opportunity to both leave early and to contemplate why you trust your friend to plan barbecues every year.
Aquarius (January 21- February 20): Luck is upon you this month, but these things can never last. Enjoy the good vibrations and buy some scratch-off lotto tickets, but keep an eye out next month.
Pisces (February 21- March 20): If you have been waiting for spring to catch a moment’s peace, be warned: that moment passed on May 3 while you were on the subway. Better luck next year.
