The world is in disarray, the stars are wandering, and your life is in shambles on a good day. Let Spiritual Guide Reverend Tim Rozmus read the signs for you and cast your beery lots for the month.
Aries (March 21- April 20): The hilarious toilet mug you bought for the office White Elephant gift swap will be less funny when three other people unwrap the exact same thing. You will somehow end up with all three on your desk.
Taurus (April 21- May 20): Your New Year’s Eve plans will get off to a rocky start when you start making them. This is a good year for Tauruses to celebrate at home, alone.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): All things move in cycles, and this month is decidedly not yours for the taking. Avoid imperial stout, bicycle deliveries, and Hitchcock movies.
Cancer (June 21- July 20): The fates and luck itself will ensure that you get out of work early, get a pour of that limited cask at the bar, and get home before you have to participate in their Ugly Sweater Party.
Leo (July 21- August 20): A well-intentioned bottle of champagne, presented to your host, is a sure way to be a hit at a New Year’s Party. A slightly sticky bottle of Rumplemintz, bogarted in your back pocket, is a sure way to throw up on your host’s good towels during a New Year’s Party.
Virgo (August 21- September 20): Yes, you really can hear gentle sounds of Christmas music when you stumble into your apartment late one night. No, your neighbors did not appreciate you opening the window to “harmonize.”
Libra (September 21- October 20): From the angle of Jupiter to Saturn, we can divine that you still don’t like eggnog. Save yourself the inevitable refridgerator disaster and don’t buy the thing.
Scorpio (October 21- November 20): Your natural drive to do good during the holiday season reaches a low point when you mistake SantaCon for a troop of Salvation Army fundraisers.
Sagittarius (November 21- December 20): The overly sweet Manishewitz that you usually avoid during your Hannukah meals comes in handy when family conversation shifts into dangerously political waters.
Capricorn (December 21- January 20): Your holidays will be lovely. Please tell the stars how you pulled this off.
Aquarius (January 21- February 20): Unfortunately, due to the conjunction of Mars and Pluto, your significant other will repeatedly forget to buy eggnog this month. Why not pick some up and hide it in the back of the fridge for them?
Pisces (February 21- March 20): The same mistakes you made while visiting your hometown over Thanksgiving will come back to haunt you over Christmas when you repeat all of the same poor choices. That’s not on the stars, that’s all you.